Why do we struggle with assertiveness?

By Michal Klein

July 18, 2019

Doing our housemate’s dishes again, silently seething in the kitchen. Providing constant emotional support to a friend who desperately needs professional help but refuses to seek it. Funding an adult child’s lifestyle, while they make little or no attempt to sort out their own financial issues.

Even the most confident, assertive people encounter these scenarios. Left unchecked, these situations make endless demands of our time, money and empathy.

Have you ever found yourself being told by loved ones:

“You just need to be more assertive!”
“You seriously have no boundaries!”
“Why can’t you just say no?”

But if the answer is so obvious, why do we find it so difficult to put assertiveness into practice?

Our society is peppered with messages about “putting yourself out there” and “asking for what you want” in a #justdoit kind of way. The trouble is this ‘strong vs. weak’ divide holds us back from asking for what we want, let alone attaining it.

What these ideas actually do is increase a sense of shame, frustration and self-blame when things don’t go the way we’d hoped.

Common barriers to assertiveness:

Fear that we will come across as ‘aggressive’
Fear that we will hurt the other person’s feelings
Fear of another person’s anger or disapproval
Guilt about placing our needs first
Discomfort with asking others to see our preferences as important
Fear of appearing to be ‘selfish’
Fear of being rejected or disliked
Insecurity in our ability to make good decisions
The perception that assertiveness is personality trait rather than a skill we learn (“But I’m just not an assertive person!”)

The problem with such beliefs is that they wear down our self-esteem and over time affect negatively our happiness, sense of agency, and even our physical health.

These beliefs result in a vicious cycle. When we repeatedly compromise our needs, we hold ourselves back from practising and improving our assertiveness skills. This in turn means we don’t experience the positive impact of assertiveness and healthier boundaries.

Sometimes the source of our difficulty with assertiveness goes back even further. We can internalise messages from an early age about how to express our needs and whether this is seen as appropriate.

People who have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood may have internalised the belief from very early on that their feelings, wishes and right to personal boundaries are not important.

Could this apply to you? If you have had the experience of your wishes not being prioritised or respected, it is possible that you have rarely known anything different. Perhaps you feel a lack of control over your own life – a sense of being carried along by a tidal wave of events rather than steering the ship yourself. You may more often find yourself reacting to events in your life rather than creating them. People may praise your ability to be highly empathic and generous, yet somehow you always end up giving more than you receive. And deep down, you can’t help but notice the difference (and inwardly resent it).

Struggling with setting healthy boundaries can also indicate low self-esteem or a sense of unworthiness. Deep down, you may not really believe you have the right to ask for what you want. Your needs may not seem as legitimate or important as other people’s. You find it far easier to ask other people what they need and spend much of your precious time and energy trying to get it for them.The problem is that you keep adjusting our own desires and needs in order to meet someone else’s.

Have you ever said something like this to yourself?

There are a range of reasons why we have difficulty being assertive. Sometimes even starting to become aware of our unhelpful beliefs can begin a process of change. Below are some common beliefs that hold people back from acting assertively.

I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking because I don’t want to burden others with my problems.
I wouldn’t want to make a scene or draw attention to myself
If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship
If someone says “no” to my request, it is because they don’t like or love me
I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel: people close to me should already know
It sounds uncaring, rude and selfish to say what you want
I have no right to change my mind (plus it’ll be really annoying for everyone else)
I’m not sure what I want, so I’ll see what the others prefer and then I’ll decide
I’m not good at being assertive. If I try to speak for myself, I’ll just sound like an idiot – why bother trying?
Cool girls wouldn’t make a fuss about this, I should just ‘go with the flow’
People should keep their feelings to themselves
If I express that I am feeling anxious or overwhelmed, people will think I am weak
If I accept compliments from someone it will mean that I am arrogant